Asheville H3

Hash Trash from Trail #34

15 Aug 2009 

AVL H3 Trail #34 Hash Trash 

Everyone managed to find the painfully obvious, and clearly-visible-to-the-police meeting spot just off the UNCA exit.  Strawberry Short Bus and NFN Torry were too busy playing hide the sausage to attend.  After an initial round of beers in plain sight of the road, the hare (Mount-Hee) held a chalk talk for the virgin, became blessed, and took off with his co-hare NFN Taro right on his heals.  After five minutes and a big circle jerk, the hounds took off in hot persuit.  They followed the trail back to the train tracks to find a check.  After locating the trail, A.K.A. the creek, they attempted to run and/or swim through the deep parts, only resulting in several near-drownings.  They eventually reached the first of many tunnels, no more than 50 feet from where we held the chalk talk, and the FRB's decided they did not need to follow flower, and instead attempted to zen their way through, picking randomly among the four tunnels available.  The DFL's on the other hand, taking their time and following the flower, managed to find the first beer check located within the leftmost of the tunnels, no more than five minutes after starting trail.  As such, the DFL's became the FRB's and the dumb ass FRB's became the DFL's.  The case of beer at the beer check was mercelisly consumed and much celebration was had over the shortness of the trail thus far.

After some time the hare took off, followed 7 minutes later by the rest of the pack.  Up the creek and through two more tunnels they traveled.  After reaching a check in the middle of the creek, the pack managed to follow the wet paw prints out of the creek and along a trail.  Several more checks and some minimal shiggy latter, they were back in the creek and through another tunnel.  The FRB's were looking for paw prints instead of flour, causing one of them to follow several bad trails before eventually finding their way out of the creek.  The trail continued allong some foot paths, up some sidewalk and into a parking lot.  Several checks and bad trails led the pack through the middle of the UNCA campus, defiling public sculptures with flour along the way.  Multiple construction sites, parking lots, some casual trespassing, and some man-made shiggy later, and the pack was back on footpaths.  These footpaths of course led directly to another construction site, which led back to some grade-A pavement pounding.  The hounds followed the trail along the road, causing great confusion in the neighborhood, and down to yet another check.  Up a steep hill and around a church.  The trail managed to double-back on its self due to some poor scouting and some FRB's within sight of the Hare.  One of the FRB's, NFN McGregor decided to zen his way around and cut off the hare, but wound up getting hopelessly lost and having to return to the trail, causing him to delay his consumption of beer.  The trail continued around some houses, dropped off the side of a shiggy hill, behind an industrial building, into a shiggy gully, and into a tunnel under the interstate.  After wondering blindly down the tunnel for a couple hundred feet, the hounds were rewarded with another well-earned case of beer.  The DFL's managed to get confused by the poorly laid trail, and returned to their cars in defeat, forfiting the 2nd beer check and confusing the rest of the pack.  After several beers each, the pack gave up on the DFL's and the hare took off.  Five minutes later, the pack followed, determined to catch the Hare.  The trail came out the other side of the tunnel, through some shiggy, accross a parking lot, and down some train tracks along Riverside Drive, returning to the starting point in the Grainger parking lot.  Upon arriving, we discovered that NFN Chris's car was already gone, and learned that he had abandoned us less than half way through the trail (likely because of a small penis).

Two of the hounds retrieved the rest of the beer from the 2nd beer check, and we journeyed around behind the building, so as not to attract any police attention.  The grass was nicely manicured and the beer was almost cold, so we sat around molesting each other for a while before religion.  Songs were sung, virgins were honored, FRB's and DFL's were dealt with accordingly, and sins were punished equitably.  NFN Chris was found guilty in his absence and is due severe beer-drinking punishment if he ever returns.  The religion was concluded with a nice round of Swing Low.  Beer cans were thrown, resulting in a 4-person wrestling match.  It was decided that a dive-bar was the best option, so everyone packed into the back of NFN McGregor's pickup truck and drove a couple hundred yards down the road to the local biker bar.  "Cash only" was the name of the game, and more beer was consumed in the patio area.  A beer bottle was broken against the wall, resulting in broken glass and wasted beer.  Everyone was sexually violated by the local bike gang as a result.  A good time was had by all except NFN Chris.

Peace, Mount-Hee